Disjointed

Trivial matters of the mind mean not.  Exotic thoughts of tigers, lions, and bears wiggle throughout my brain like the idiotic dance of a storyteller with awkward hand movements.  Graceful?  No, unrelated and seemingly unconnected, but jointed to a larger purpose that makes no sense.  Misshapen thoughts and warped memories of the past.  A first person's point of view on life.  No matter how a person tells you the story from their point of view you'd never see what truly happened.  A ritual of embellishment meant to keep their own faults at bay.

Sayings like, "It wasn't me." or "I didn't do that" would be the first suspicious act that was needed to bring your mind to the conclusion of 'It was them'. 

Determination = Excellence

Living in a world where being a single parent happens more often than not, I have come to the realization that determination is a key component to finishing something that I have started.  Most, it seems, abide by this solution, but it’s not always a correct one.  You could have all the determination in the world, but if you don’t know anything, then you would be screwed.

Is it possible though?  To achieve what you want by determination alone?

Say a college football player, or baseball player, was determined to make it to the pros.  Although his determination will drive him to do the impossible, is it possible that he wasn’t cut out for it?  Would that mean that his dreams and hopes were dashed because he had deluded himself into thinking that he was right for it?  These are some of the questions that tend to percolate inside my brain.

My determination is something that I’ve always had trouble understanding.  My mind flips from one thing to another constantly.  Questions of why this? And why that? War within the confines of my brain.  My inspiration for my art is influenced by the art of others; just as my inspirations for writing come from great authors of the world.  I hadn’t known the capacity for abstract thought until my brain swirled with the possibility that how we think isn’t exactly in linear order.  A revelation that has brought more meaning the deeper I delve into it.

Had I known back then that Psychology was more than a one way street, but several twists and turns, then I would have been more inclined to do what I know, now, has to be done.  Determination, it seems, gives us strength.  It is the drive of ancients and the building blocks of a scientific era.  My determination for next semester is to do what I must for my grades to keep them up; also my ability to keep my family happy.

I hope my son sees my determination and knows that he can do it.  So my goal is to keep going and do my best to be proud and make my son proud of me.

The Things We See

I sit in the coffee shop I have come to call my own.  Thinking of things that would probably be better left unthought.  While I watch the students of Kansas University argue and debate over their classes and the co-workers talk of things probably unimportant; I wonder what would they do if they knew the struggles of everyday Native Americans.

While thoughts of hearing a person scoff at what I find disheartening and honestly hurtful disconcerting to me, it may be thought as someone else's problem to them.  It hurts to see the struggle of those less fortunate than yourself and to watch the creativity of one squandered on the notion 'I am an artist.  I act this way because I'm creative.'  It still leaves no excuse to not become involved in the struggles of the lesser.   

I know what you're thinking..."Why care when I can't do anything about it?" 

That's the point isn't it?  This is why we do what we do.  No, It's not.  As a person you have not only the pleasure, but an obligation to help another person in need.  Yes, the human race as a whole are selfish, vile creatures, but what happens when YOU are the one that needs help?  Will you ask that question again?

People cry around about not being able to get out of a rut and depression sets the stage for a fiasco that is just waiting to prey upon your unfortunate disposition, but if the people that know what it's like to live that have gone on to create empires out of nothing can do it...My question to you is, "Why can't you?"

Now I have seen first hand what poverty and depression can do to a person.  It's up to you to pick yourself up and be happy.  Only you can do it...Now it's not a question of 'if' you get help, but 'Can' you help yourself?

You can't depend on others to bring you happiness forever, although it is a nice suggestion.  The point is.  You have to get up and do what have to do to get where you want to be.

Now I've ranted and raved over this until I was blue in the face.  I know from personal experience what it's like to not have anyone to depend on, but yourself.  IF I can do what I have to, to get where I want...Then why can't you?

The lesser have a hard time to do some things, but they can do it and have done it.  Many, many times have we seen a homeless child still attend school and come up as something great.

If a person asks for a dollar and you scoff at them...think about this the next time.

What if that person was trying to get enough money to get the help they needed?

What if that person had a family and that dollar was saving them from getting their home taken away?

I understand the logical side and the human side of this situation, but do you?

Living and Understanding the Native Way

I have seen many things in my short little 26 years of life.  I've had a couple of questions thrown my way as i sat on the deck of our local hangout a coffee shop by the name of "Dunn Bros Coffee" and I have to say some were rather racial questions.  Now I don't get the interest in knowing another person's culture, but the fact that most are fascinated by ours, to me, is quite strange. 

We are who we are.  I understand that doesn't give any information, but it's the best explanation I could come up with at the time.  You see we are all different.  We are the usual Natives.  We get called all sorts of names and some we thrive on; others we look away feeling sorry for the ignorance that seems to spew from people who think we are all the same and know nothing of us.

I have seen and heard most of the racial slurs some come up with. A wagon burner, blanket baby, redskin, Indian, drunks, druggies...now the last to could move to all categories from the occasional use, like recreational use, to being an actual drunk or drug addict.

I have heard this quite a few times, "Well if they would get off of their lazy asses and do something about it, then they would have to live like that."  I, for one, actually understand where they are coming from, but what they don't understand is that if all you were taught, not having any influence from the outside world, to be a drunk and not be expected to graduate or get a GED; then how can you flourish?  The negativity thrown our way is mainly ignorant shit spouted from most that don't understand how we are.  In the words of a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, "
I grieve for the falling of our culture.  Not many of you know how to speak your own language.  Your ancestors cry for the way everyone here lives for themselves and no longer cares to help each other."

This is the lesson that many have passed on to the younger generations.  Some actually do care, but with the way the world is always changing and it is human nature to adapt to that change some how; is it possible to get back to your roots?

With me being a single mother and trying to show my son how to be respectful to his elders as well as show him how to deal with ignorance from people who truly don't understand why we do the things we do, it is rather difficult.  Even I do not truly understand the ignorance of some.  

 So for now, I rest my heavily burdened heart to shed some light on my progress to this years new ways of life and leave you with this quote from one of the many discussions between friends and family.


“Our people need leaders and this is where you all come in.  Crying over your own lives shows you weak and unfit to lead your people to a place of peace and contentment.  Most of you wallow over the fact that your dreams were cut short.  That’s not the way our people come from.  Until you come to terms with the fact that as leaders you are looked to as role models our people will be run into the ground!”